


Resentment, Guilt and Secrets

by preciousbunnynoiz



Series: Love doesn't fix all but can help [4]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Illness, Podium Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-28 02:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10066049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: Victor want's Yuri to recover from his depression. He really really does...so why is he feeling so resentful?Also, Yurio is at risk of hurting himself and Victor and Yuri step in to help





	1. Why do I resent your progress?

**Author's Note:**

> Start at the beginning of this series as this one really won't make much sense without the other stories.

Victor stared at the cereal bowl on the table with barely repressed irritation. Every day when he got home he’d find Yuri’s bowl where he left it on the table. It cost nothing to walk to the sink and at least leave it in to soak.  Yet everyday he had to deal with nearly immovable dried cereal.

“Yuri, is there any reason why you can’t put the dishes at least in the sink?” he demanded as he entered the living area, trying hard to keep his voice level but hearing the irritation seep around the words. He winced as he watched Yuri curl in on himself on the couch.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” Yuri squeaked out miserably. Victor immediately felt guilty but also incredibly pissed off, he ran a hand through his hair.

“Just…” he tried to take a deep breath and smooth out the irritation from his voice, “What is the reason Yuri? I want to understand.”  He watched Yuri curl in on himself tighter.

“It’s just…everything is so hard to do. Getting up in the morning, showering, and especially practice take all my energy and strength right now and even they feel like insurmountable tasks. I know it’s stupid but even the thought of carrying the bowl to the sink feels so overwhelming that I nearly have a panic attack.” Yuri explained quietly.

Victor felt…conflicted.  On the one hand his heart was breaking for his Yuri, that everything felt so difficult. It must be so painful. On the other…well it was just a goddamn bowl and it felt like a lame excuse. That thought made him feel another hot stab of guilt.

He sighed, he knew Yuri wasn’t being deliberately manipulative but it felt manipulative anyway. He plastered on a smile instead.

“It’s okay Yuri, just…when you can could you please put your bowl in the sink.” He asked as he crossed to sit next to his lover. Yuri nodded, relaxing slightly as Victor sat down and leaning into his body.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s hard looking after me” Yuri mumbled.

“No, it’s really not” Victor lied, Yuri gave him a look but said nothing more that night.

 

Victor had stopped coming to Yuri’s therapy sessions after the second appointment. Each week though Yuri would tell him how it went and explain his homework, often letting Victor read the materials associated with it. Which was good because it meant he felt useful to Yuri.

After Yuri, had brought paperwork about unhelpful thinking patterns he started to call Yuri on them when he heard them. Which usually meant Yuri made a face at him but he said it helped so Victor kept doing it.

Slowly but surely Yuri was getting more confident and healthier mentally…and Victor couldn’t understand why his own irritation kept growing.

It pissed him off when Yuri argued with him about choreography they were working on, or when he made an appointment for Makkachin to be groomed without checking with Victor first, or when he did his own shopping or worse went out with people who weren’t Victor.

It was childish and it’s not like Victor was jealous but it pissed him off so much, and that made him feel guilty every time he had to stamp down his irritation.

It didn’t help that while Yuri was getting more confident the inconsistency of his improvement also pissed him off.

He wanted to be there for Yuri but fighting with Yuri’s insomnia, dealing with the messes Yuri made but for some reason was unable to clean up, having to make three meals a day for Yuri because he found if he didn’t Yuri just wouldn’t eat and wouldn’t even notice he wasn’t eating until he passed out and even then he had to call and make sure he actually ate the damn meals…all of that stress remained while Yuri was getting more confident and social and Victor soon found a huge well of resentment, irritation and guilt inside of him being held barely in check.

It all spilled out the day Victor had caught Yurio right as he was about to go into a rather…notorious nightclub and dragged him to their apartment to lecture him. Victor, who normally kept a tight rein on his anger heard his voice edging louder as he lectured Yurio who yelled right back before he was stopped by a hand on his arm.

“Victor, you need to stop.” Yuri’s voice was firm and Victor felt something let go inside of him.

“Why?” he demanded crossly. Yuri’s eyes widened in surprise but then narrowed in a steely glare.

“Because this won’t help Yurio. Go cool off I’ll take it from here.” Yuri told him in a voice that said clearly this wasn’t up for discussion…but for once Victor wasn’t going to listen to that unspoken demand.

“What you suddenly know better how to handle this then me? Why should I listen to you? Have you known him since he was in Juniors? Who are you to tell me what to do!? Just who the hell do you think you are!?” venom dripped from his voice and yet Victor found he couldn’t stop even as both Yuri’s stared at him in shock.

“And everyone says I’m an asshole” Yurio snorted, “Do you even _want_ Kastudon to get over his depression?” he demanded. Victor reeled as if struck.

“Of…of course I do!” he spluttered, Yurio clicked his tongue and poked him hard in the chest.

“Sure as hell hasn’t seemed that way with all the glaring you’ve been doing whenever he puts himself out there or tries something new or you know shows any improvement and now you pull this crap and I gotta wonder if you didn’t like it better when he was completely dependent on you for everything and totally obedient” Yurio said with a snarl. Victor groped behind him for a chair and sat heavily.

“That’s…that’s not true. I want Yuri to be independent and happy. I don’t want him depressed” he looked pleadingly at Yuri who was watching him with an unreadable expression, “I…do want you to get better. Honestly I do…I’m not…I don’t…” Victor’s voice was shaking. Yuri sighed and leaned back, staring at the ceiling for a moment, his lips a thin line.

“Yurio and I are going to go for a walk and talk.  You and I will talk when I get back.” Yuri told him finally. Victor looked at the floor suddenly shaking violently. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up, Yuri was smiling a sad little smile.

“It’s okay, I know you love me but we have a lot to talk about when I get back.” He explained, “and I will come back” he added. Victor nodded and watched as Yuri steered Yurio out the door.

Victor sat in silence for a long time before he finally sighed and got up to make a cup of tea. As he passed the dirty dishes that Yuri once again apparently couldn’t manage he felt that familiar feeling of anger and guilt and had to grab the counter.

He didn’t want Yuri to be depressed anymore, he didn’t want Yuri to hate himself or hurt himself ever again but he couldn’t help feel annoyed and even angry that Yuri had stepped in just now.

He let out a long breath before he continued making his tea.

When Yuri returned, he found Victor in the chair he had left him in holding an empty cup. Yuri crossed the room and stood in front of Victor.  Silence fell heavy around them.

“Where’s Yura?” Victor asked finally, not looking up at Yuri.

“Home, we need to have another talk with him tomorrow but I managed to calm him down and at least agree to discuss things with the both of us in a calm manner and in a neutral environment.” Yuri told him, Victor nodded and the silence stretched out again.

“It’s okay to be resentful you know.” Victor’s face shot up to look at Yuri with wide-eyed panic.

“No! I’m sorry! I do want you to get better I do and I know I shouldn’t get so irritated and I don’t even know why I do and it’s not like the dishes are that big of a deal but it’s just every day and I know you’re trying your best and!” Victor’s ramble was cut off by Yuri hugging him close.

“Shhhh it’s okay. It is okay to be resentful. It’s okay to be annoyed that I don’t do the dishes or because I won’t eat unless you feed me or any of the other many ways my brain makes it a pain in the ass to take care of me. I should know because I resent the hell out of it as well.”

Victor is quiet for a moment before he drops the mug and hugs Yuri back.

“Really?” he asks his voice small.

“I think I understand you don’t resent me so much as my depression because the things you find irritating are also things I find irritating. I mean why the hell should it be so hard to carry a bowl to a sink? That doesn’t even make sense! Stupid Brain.” Yuri pet Victor’s hair as the Russian laughed into his chest, “Just…maybe tell me before it builds up.”

There was another silence.

“But I feel so guilty because I know you’re not doing it deliberately” Victor said with his face pressed into Yuri’s stomach.

“Then tell me that, complain but say you know I’m trying by best and that it makes you more frustrated because Victor I prefer that to you lying about being okay.”

Victor pulled away to look at his lover more closely.

“But this is only half of it, I understand kind of why I feel resentful about things like having to make you eat but I don’t understand why I hate you making decisions without me or voicing your opinions. Yurio’s right, it does make it sound like don’t want you to get better but I do! So much, I hate the thought of you hating yourself or hurting yourself. I don’t understand why I feel this way” Victor was crying now, he was so selfish and unfair…

“I know why.”

Victor was not expecting that.

He blinked, the tears stopping immediately.

“What?”

Yuri sighed and his fingers through Victor’s hair.

“I was actually going to bring this up soon anyway. The resentment you feel about my progress? That’s normal. I asked Jenny about it the other day at our therapy session as I had noticed things weren’t right with you. Apparently, it’s common because my improvement is forcing change on you.” Yuri explained, Victor pulled back more.

“I don’t understand.”

Yuri sighed again and gave Victor a soft, fond smile.

“Love, therapy is making me better but it’s also changing me. It’s a willing change, one we both want, but it’s forcing change on you because it’s changing the nature of our relationship. Even though you want the change for me everyone pushes back when someone tries to change them against their will. You’re having to make room for the new me and it’s upsetting you” Yuri was still looking at Victor with that fond smile.

“You’re not angry?” Victor asked finally.

“I’m not going to lie, what you said hurt…but far less than it would have if I hadn’t known what was going on. Jenny wants us both at the next meeting and we can work on communicating so this doesn’t build up anymore.” Victor was silent at these words, still looking at Yuri expectantly. Yuri shook his head and laughed softly, “Yes I still love you and no I’m not angry.”

Victor pulled Yuri into another hug.

“I’m sorry, I love you.”

Yuri smiled

“I know love, I know.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This pushback problem is a real thing. I discovered it when I asked one of my previous therapists why Husband was being an asshole. We got to a place where he can talk to me about feeling resentful and angry and guilty without me taking it as an attack. I also make sure to communicate how much I value their continued support because really it's difficult and I acknowledge that.


	2. Who am I away from the Ice?

Yuri was the Ice Tiger of Russia, the Russian Punk. He was afraid of no one and nothing and did whatever the hell he wanted.

So why the hell was he sitting in a café across from his totally not-dads.

“Yuri could you possibly tell us what’s going on with you?” Katsudon asked, his face was far too serious. Yuri slunk down deeper into his chair, arms folded over his chest and looked away.

“Are you aware what type of club you were going into Yura? Disregarding the fact, you were underage for that place are you aware of what sort of things went on in there?” Victor asked, at least he wasn’t yelling. Seems he and the Katsudon made up at least.

“I’m not a child Victor” Yuri spat at the older man. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Victor open his mouth but stop when Katsudon raised his hand.

“Did I ever tell you about my first-time Yuri?” whatever Yuri had expected Katsudon to say it wasn’t that.

“I don’t want to hear about you and Victor, that’s gross” Yuri complained, his nose wrinkling in disgust.

“My first time wasn’t with Victor”

That and the noise of surprise that came from Victor got Yuri to look at Katsudon who was giving Victor an apologetic look before turning back to the teen.

“I should have told this to Victor already but it’s important for you to hear this Yuri. My first time was a one night stand a week after I won Onsen on Ice.” Katsudon said looking Yuri right in the eye, both of them ignoring the sharp inhalation from Victor.

“Why are you telling me this?” Yuri demanded, his skin felt prickly and he fidgeted in his chair

“Because I regret it” Yuri told him with a sad little smile.

“Are you trying to sell me on saving myself for true love?” Yuri said this with a sneer.

“No, virginity isn’t all that special. Victor wasn’t a virgin when we got together and I never held that against him but I’m sure he doesn’t regret them, or at least not most of them, like I do. Sex isn’t something you should feel guilty about or regret.” Katsudon told him which…was surprising actually.

“Then why are you telling me this?” Yuri still didn’t understand.

“Yuri,” Katsudon sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, “I regret it because I didn’t sleep with that guy because I wanted to have sex, or because I liked him. I slept with him because I was afraid of losing my virginity to Victor.”

There was a silence.

“Why?” Victor’s voice cracked as he asked, “Why were you afraid?” Katsudon gave him another sad little smile.

“Because I couldn’t believe you’d love me but I could believe you were attracted to me and I was afraid that if I lost my virginity to you and you left that it would destroy me” Katsudon interlaced his fingers with Victors, “I don’t even remember the guy’s name or what he looked like or how it was. I wish I had trusted you more and let my first time be because it was something I wanted, something I desired rather than it being about what I was afraid of.”

Victor let out a breath he was holding and Katsudon looked back at Yuri, the fond smile falling from his face as he gazed seriously at Yuri.

“Do you understand? Now, what’s going on?”

Yuri fidgeted some more and looked away.

“…I won.” He said finally.

“Huh?” Yuri risked a glance to see mild confusion on Katsudon’s face. He had to look away again.

“I won and everyone around me has all these expectations and it’s not like I have many friends and I’m okay with that but my body is changing and skating’s getting harder and I worry that if I can’t skate that well again that the few friends I have in my life are going to disappear…but some people wanted me to go to a club with them and I knew what goes on in that place, I’ve heard stories but I just…wanted to be someone away from the ice rink” he said as he hugged himself tighter, he couldn’t look at them.

“Yuri’s right that I don’t regret most of my sexual encounters…but that’s most. When I was your age I was in much the same place. I got invited to clubs like that as well. Only I had no one to stop me. I drank far too much and ended up in a situation with a couple of people. It…it wasn’t good. I consented but only because I wanted to feel needed, not because I particularly wanted to have sex. After that it happened a lot for about 6 months until I had an injury and then it happened more, and then Yakov found out. Mostly I was just drinking but there was a lot of trying to find myself in either the bottom of a bottle or in stranger’s arms and none of it actually helped me.” Yuri hadn’t expected Victor to open up like that and he risked a glance at his rinkmate. Victor’s look was serious and calm.

“Your skating skills will return Yuri, and you always have a home with me and Victor. There is so much more to you then skating. You’re ambitious, driven, a cat lover, a fierce friend and the only person in this whole damn country who I can play video games with.” Katsudon told him, that last remark getting a little smile out of Yuri.

“You can always come to our place to escape the rink, we don’t need to talk about skating. You can help me make dinner and you can play video games with Yuri and just be Yura, also we have high expectations for your very long career but I’m nearly thirty and Yuri’s nearly twenty-five and neither of us are done with our careers and you are only sixteen. You have plenty of time to meet every expectation. Besides I didn’t start my five-time consecutive World Championship wins until I was 22, I had a good few years of bronzes and silvers.” Victor continued.

Yuri stared at the two of them for what felt like a long time, his mouth slightly open.

“Why? Why are you doing this?” he asked finally, trying to keep his tears in check.

“Because you’re family.” Kastudon told him, Victor nodded in agreement.  At that Yuri jerked forward to rest his head in his arms on the table.

“…are you crying?” he heard Victor ask.

“No!” he lied and was thankful when they pretended to believe him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually did what Yuri did. I had a one night stand a week before my husband and I met face to face because I was scared of losing my virginity to him and having him leave. 
> 
> And I do regret it hugely and not because sex is something you should save but because I didn't have the one night stand because I wanted to have sex nor did I enjoy it for what it was. I had it because I was afraid of having it with the person I actually wanted. That isn't a good or healthy reason to have sex.
> 
> If they felt Yurio was just experimenting and having fun they wouldn't have objected but they knew him well enough that it was probably for the wrong reasons and that's why they pushed.


End file.
